[Verse]
Oh, I want to tell ya of a friend of mine,
She's always ill,
She always thought she had a sort of,
Serious complaint.

Whatever the remedy was,
She always took a dose,
For to cure her ill, she bought some pills,
And bought them by the gross.

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt,
The pain in her diddly push,
A comical vest to save her chest,
From common cold or the cush.

She drank quinine and spirits of wine,
To cure the pip-i-dy pop,
Till she became a what's-the-name,
A travelling doctor's shop. (Yeoo!)

[Verse]
Well, she thought she had the measles,
And the stankers and the aches,
And varicose veins and arteries' lames,
And sure there's no mistake.

Shivers and shakes and pains and aches,
From her head down to her toes,
And a multitude of handkerchiefs,
To stop her runny nose.

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt,
The pain in her diddly push,
A comical vest to save her chest,
From common cold or the cush.

She drank quinine and spirits of wine,
To cure the pip-i-dy pop,
Till she became a what's-the-name,
A travelling doctor's shop.

[Verse]
Well, she had a face which was a disgrace,
To humanity that's for sure,
And a big long nose which I suppose,
Just seemed to grow and grow.

Little beady eyes, I tell no lies,
The ugliest woman I've seen,
You think that's bad or maybe sad,
A nightmare not a dream.

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt,
The pain in her diddly push,
A comical vest to save her chest,
From common cold or the cush.

She drank quinine and spirits of wine,
To cure the pip-i-dy pop,
Till she became a what's-the-name,
A travelling doctor's shop

[Verse]
Well, she used to wear a nose machine,
Whenever she went to bed,
And tied herself to the window frame,
In case they'd find her dead.

And foreign influenzia would scare,
Her heart to death,
She greased her hair and tinned some air,
For what, we don't know yet.

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt,
The pain in her diddly push,
A comical vest to save her chest,
From common cold or the cush.

She drank quinine and spirits of wine,
To cure the pip-i-dy pop,
Till she became a what's-the-name,
A travelling doctor's shop.